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Dec. 5th, 2011


Wow, I can't believe...

I can't believe that it's been 4 years since I posted things in this journal. A whole lot has happened since then. I graduated from high school, I went to college and now just four short years later I'm getting ready to graduate from college. It's still weird to even say that. In five months I will be a college graduate and enter the great big, scary, exciting real world. But now comes the toughest choice I've made to date...

The choice is what to do with the rest of my life. This decision has been keeping me up at night. I can't seem to choose what I want to do in life or what I want out of life. I make generalization like "I want to be happy" and "I want to enjoy my work" yet I have no idea what will satisfy my wants and needs. Not to mention I change my mind every five minutes. When I was in preschool I wanted to be a waitress, in elementary school a veterinarian, in middle school a coroner (I loved the TV show Crossing Jordan), and in high school a lawyer. So what about college? Well I have wanted to be anything and everything. I considered studying theater, education, journalism, etc., but I finally settled on business. However being a senior I'm no longer worrying about what to study, what classes to take. Instead I'm worrying about what job or career I want. A month or so ago I was determined to become a Teach for America teacher to inspire underprivileged youth, in September and October I was sure I wanted to work in Corporate America if any company would hire me, yesterday I became obsessed with working for a television network because I love the entertainment industry, and my ultimate pipe dream is to be on Broadway. In addition to these things I've looked in graduate schools for an MBA, law degree, etc. You see, I'm all over the map. This indecisiveness has even bled into other parts of my life. I switched majors/study interests 6 or 7 times and when I finally choose to major in Business I picked Business Administration which is the most general degree out there. So why Business you ask? Come to think of it, I have no idea. I came to college with the notion that a Liberal Arts degree was out of the question because you can't make a career out of that. It wasn't until the end of my junior year that I came to realize how much it didn't matter, that I could have majored in anything I wanted. But instead I listened to the voice inside my head and my mom, who is my biggest supporter in life, and went with a professional school degree. Now I'm trying to live the Rent philosophy of no regrets and no day but today, but I still find myself looking back on these last four years wondering what things would be like if I'd done things differently. What if I had followed my pipe dream and majored in theater? What if I followed in my mom's footsteps and became a teacher? What if...? What if...? But I know that I can't do that to myself. I have to live in the here and now and move forward.

In some ways I feel like I have been looking at life in the wrong way. I find myself mapping out entire courses of life instead of just focusing on my first step out of college. I also find myself constantly saying what I don't like or don't want to do but I can't for the life of my nail down what I do like or what I do want to do. I was surfing Pinterest the other day and came across a quote from Steve Jobs that really resonated with me. He said, "Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe to be great work. The only way to great work is to love what you do." I wholeheartedly believe what Jobs said and I want to feel that way about my work.

So how do I go about finding this love? Well for starters I'm going to try to try as many new things as I can in order to gain a better understanding of things that I enjoy, things that make me happy. Next, I'm going to start asking anyone and everyone questions about what they do. I just joined the world of Twitter so I'm excited to connect with others and pick their brains about careers and life in general. Lastly, I'm going to work on not taking myself and my life to seriously. I grew up watching so many TV shows where it seemed like the characters had such perfect lives or if they weren't perfect they were easily fixed. TV made me think that life has plot-like conflicts with resolutions that quickly follow. This convinced me that my life would be and had to be perfect too, that deviations from my life plans just wouldn't do. But for the first time in my 21 years I don't have any plans for what comes next, which scares the hell out of me. I am a planner to the extreme and not knowing where I'll be in a year is terrifying but at the same time it's a little bit exciting because I can go anywhere from here. I'll be sad to leave college and the carefree environment that comes with it but I'm excited to have grown-up experiences like living on my own, getting a dog, picking up hobbies, etc.

For those of you going through the same struggles, don't worry because you're not alone. I'm right there with you. And in parting I leave with a link to one of the greatest advice I've ever heard.


December 2011



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